Maybe it’s because no one stops to think that mothers sum up every day they live while they lay down to rest for the next. Once you have children there isn’t a night that you don’t lay your head down and pick yourself apart. “Did I do this right? Was this the right decision? Could I have done it differently?”, we ask ourselves these things. In fact, we ask ourselves these things sometimes hour by hour, minute by minute, heart-beat by heart-beat. We second guess ourselves without giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt. We give it to everyone else, if we walk that type of talk, but we will not give it to ourselves. So the punishment starts long before the players in the game ever show up. We are bruised and broken long before our beloved children return as adults, to deliver us their boxes of “return to sender” grievances. It isn’t a surprise when they do. We are ready to take it. We are ready to hear their voices with the same damnation on us that we have already said to ourselves in the darkness.
I would have loved to be the perfect parent but I don’t know what that is. I don’t know if there is actually a real “perfect parent”, if there is, mea culpa, I wasn’t one.
I am not sure where that puts me. Anger from children who point to me for the horribleness in their psyche needs quiet and attentive.listening. Once they are are adults however, one wishes that it could be a two lane street. I hear you, you hear me. The ability to empathize is sometimes natural for people, for some it takes life and learning to develop. So far, I am just getting mowed down. My life experiences are less important to them than they believe their live experiences are. If they lack empathy now I don’t know what will give it to them. In fact, hard knocks are something I would rather they not have to deal with ever but they are out there in the world, and they have placed themselves out of my reach, on purpose. They know I am here. I will always be here, well until I am not here anymore. You can’t force anyone to love you. I can wish and pray and wait, even if they never come back.