The Sins of the Mother

Maybe it’s because no one stops to think that mothers sum up every day they live while they lay down to rest for the next.  Once you have children there isn’t a night that you don’t lay your head down and pick yourself apart.  “Did I do this right?  Was this the right decision?  Could I have done it differently?”, we ask ourselves these things.  In fact, we ask ourselves these things sometimes hour by hour, minute by minute, heart-beat by heart-beat.  We second guess ourselves without giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt.  We give it to everyone else, if we walk that type of talk,  but we will not give it to ourselves.  So the punishment starts long before the players in the game ever show up.  We are bruised and broken long before our beloved children return as adults, to deliver us their boxes of “return to sender” grievances.  It isn’t a surprise when they do.  We are ready to take it.  We are ready to hear their voices with the same damnation on us that we have already said to ourselves in the darkness.

I would have loved to be the perfect parent but I don’t know what that is.  I don’t know if there is actually a real “perfect parent”,  if there is, mea culpa, I wasn’t one.

I am not sure where that puts me.  Anger from children who point to me for the horribleness  in their psyche needs quiet and attentive.listening.  Once they are are adults however,  one wishes that it could be a two lane street.  I hear you, you hear me.  The ability to empathize is sometimes natural for people,  for some it takes life and learning to develop. So far,  I am just getting mowed down.  My life experiences are less important to them than they believe their live experiences are.  If they lack empathy now I don’t know what will give it to them.  In fact, hard knocks are something I would rather they not have to deal with ever but they are out there in the world, and they have placed themselves out of my reach, on purpose.  They know I am here.  I will always be here,  well until I am not here anymore.  You can’t force anyone to love you.  I can wish and pray and wait, even if they never come back.

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Song Bird

My songbird found yet another perch to sit on. She joined the Boise First Congregational United Church of Christ choir today. I sat and thought about the child who came to church with me so long ago. Church today showered me with significance and comfort and melancholy as well. It truly represented our relationship as it has grown, as we, separately, have grown. Sitting such a distance from her as she did her thing and I mine, reminds me of how life looks for me as a mother to a young adult, we are connected but she is widening her circle and stretching her wings, readying herself for flight. I was thankful today for the symbolism of our daily lives. Still a bit uncomfortable but each Sunday, I am in a safe place to practice for her final flight. I love you Hannah.

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Dear Fetus Friday…

To the fetus formally known as Achmed,

I have known your mother since she was just turning 19.   Even though she was much younger than I,  which is decades,  we felt almost instantly that we had some how crossed paths with each other in our lives somewhere else in the universe.  I have considered her my sister pretty much from the start.  Yesterday,  she drank a glass of orange juice and suddenly and unexpectedly felt you moving around inside her.  It was the first time she was able to feel you.  For a few more weeks,  it will just be you and her.  You are too tiny yet for your Dad or family to also be able feel you.  Perhaps you and your mom, during this exclusive time, can plan a signal system so you can talk to her.  She already knows that you love orange juice.  I pray that you both enjoy this time that only you two can share.  She is so excited that you are coming!  Everyone is excited you are coming.  You have been in the hearts and minds of your family for a very long time.  Btw,  yesterday was her birthday and I cannot think of any better gift to give her.  Thank you for making it special for her.

Love…  hummm  I wonder what you will call me?  What about Ninny?  I loved that movie…  I hope you call me that.