I swear I hear geese fly over head everyday… they are so conversational… it makes me wish I were up there joining in the conversations. But lately, I hear a slight, almost imperceptible change in pitch. I used to hear what I believe was a wonderful conversation of a days worth of fishing and swimming and how glad they were to be going back to their favorite marsh, lake, pond… but just now, with a slight breeze coming through the doors… they were speaking of travel plans, and winters farther away from my home with warmer sunrises and better fishing… “not yet…” I whispered, “please?”.
Its been like this for a while. I have been developing theories as to why it is. I have been thinking that perhaps it is so quiet because everyone in Boise is trying not to breathe. 2012/2013/2014/ and again this year will be the year that Drs will be diagnosing us with Boise Black Lung, I am sure of it. I have healthy lungs and I am hurting all the way through to my back. Moving around too much causes a cough that sounds as if I am going to keel over. I can’t imagine how people with compromised lungs are coping. The smell is in my nose, my clothes and everywhere you go. But I digress, I thought it might be the collective not breathing but then I started reading other people’s blogs and posts and they too are feeling a very odd silence. They aren’t in Boise so it zapped my theory out of the water. Someone suggested that the world was just taking a moment to pause before it turns its page into Fall. I love that idea and it appeals to my sense poetry. The blue chair has suggested the reason it seems to be resting so heavily on me is because of the how long the time has been for me since I realized I had gifts and possibilities. It has been a long while, it takes time to get all your ducks in a row, and your arrow pointed in the correct direction. So I have been “hurry upping (its a word cuz i said it is)” and then waiting. I need school to start. Routine to start. I need new faces and conversations. New ideas to bat around in my head. I am ready and have nothing but time. I have settled my arrow on its rest, lifted the bow and begun to pull back… the tension getting stronger, containing more and more energy until my bow is bent to its maximum. With one finger above and three fingers below, I am cradling that arrow. That arrow has every thing it needs except release.
I am just sitting with this moment, there is a lesson in it for me or I wouldn’t be uncomfortable. I am finding this to be the rule rather than the exception. If I am uncomfortable its because there is something I haven’t learned yet that needs to be learned before I move on. The tension in my bow is both painful and delicious. And I keep running the moment that I remove my fingers from the string over and over again imagining what that release of power will feel like to me and to all the world around me.
Open letter to Josh Duggar: My prayers are with Anna and the children you brought into this world who will have to, one day see, the legacy you have left for them. Before you think I am hating on you, please take a breath. I am praying that you get REAL therapy and experience the REAL consequences of your actions. You should have been arrested once the original revelation of your molestation of your sisters and whoever else you have molested. If you have broken the law with your affiliation with this company and the women you chose to be a sexual partner, instead of your beloved Anna, you need to step up and let it happen. You seem to have already skirted around your molestation charges. You have no idea how “lucky” you are that YOU are not being institutionalized or arrested. God loves you. God also expects you to make worldly amends to those you have lied to and took advantage of. Its time to stop pitching new TLC programs and find real ways to care for that beautiful, amazing, and repressed siblings that are finding living the life your parents have expected from you all your lives. I am sorry if this ruins your family income but its time for all of you to take a class in “real life and how to deal with it”. Your parents have chosen to put every single one of you into the public eye. I hope you all mentally and physically get real with the human side of life. We can strive to be perfect according to the dogma we have been born into, but life takes over. I pray for you, for Anna and your children, for your parents who now really need to stop with the promotion of their “lifestyle” and get help with all of their children’s mental and emotional struggles that cannot be over written by snippets of the Bible and prayer. God works in mysterious ways. Perhaps He is using you to free the rest of your siblings from the expectation of perfection. I guarantee that some of your brothers and sisters are dealing with their own demons and are pretending to live a life that doesn’t fit who they have been told they are. Blessings to all.
It is back to school soon! Not just for my daughter but for me as well. She is thriving! I am becoming anxious. She knows she has the momentum of “must do” and the magical “energy of youth and the world is unlimited to what you can do/be”. She learned that from me. I am her biggest fan, I am her sounding board, I am honest with her about the importance of showing up and presenting your best. It sort of makes me laugh, in this instance, she took the mantra and ran with it but I am struggling with learning disabilities and have no idea if I will ever walk for my A.A. in Sociology which then makes it impossible for me to graduate in the Social Work program at BSU or any where for that matter. Numbers are going to push my head under water, while the sound of their notes (think… a really BAD 3rd grade orchestra and a brilliant light show from their colors which penetrate the water and bounce off the river bottom) and wait until my lungs betray me and make me take the last gasp before I sink into educational oblivion. (Think of a $8.00 per hour job and poverty for the last 3rd of my life.) What is weird is that every counselor I speak to who are seasoned in their field, use computers to do the “math” stuff or hires someone to do it, because they don’t freakin’ remember the math and they don’t use it. But the big difference is they passed, obviously, or they wouldn’t be where they are and where they have been. That makes me want to drop to my knees and beg for Synesthesia to just leave. I would deal with the lack of colors in the alphabet and numbers becoming silent. I would give up months that were different colors. I would be sad but it would make learning so much easier in one area of my life. The one area, with the strong hand around the back of my neck, just waiting to push me under.