I have run away from home twice in my life. Once when I was in 7th grade (perhaps a topic for another day) and once in 2006. In 2006 I had realized that I was absolutely and completely was a lesbian. I had made a reservation to fly to her to meet her and we acted like teenagers. Talking about what we would do and how much we were aching to touch each other, laugh in the same room with each other and to talk about life. I was dizzy with emotion. Then one morning she emailed me and backed out. I cannot tell you how deeply that dug into my heart. A heart that other than my children, was starved for affection and appreciation, and happiness. I believe we all should have some of those things in our lives. Maybe not everyday but just a drink from the well from time to time.
*Let me clarify that I am not blaming my ex-husband for me being gay. Many women come out later in life. What I am saying is that I had been so lonely for so long and I didn’t understand why. That tends to motivate a person to dig deep. He had nothing to do with it. No one can make someone else gay.*
So after she broke it off, she changed her mind and like an obsessed person who would double back and say, “I didn’t mean it, I love you, please come.” I hadn’t cancelled the plane ticket and she had researched that and also used that as a sign that I really was hanging on to her. The minute I got that email message, I called and cancelled the flight. All this time, not speaking to her after the day she said she couldn’t do it. Sometimes I wonder if she thought I would be crying and begging but all she got from me was, “Okay”. I was a walking wounded. I cannot even explain the pain unless you can think about a pumpkin and you were going to be used as a Jack-o-Lantern; getting all your insides scooped out and hollowed.
A few days went by, during which I walked about like a zombie going through the motions and planning how I was going to work at going back as the quintessential perfect house wife. I felt like my chest was caving in. But I was going to swallow it and get on with life. Then my soul mate called, crying about her personal life and I remember going outside and laying on top of the hot tub cover and looking at the stars. Listening to her because she is my best friend, separated by family or we would have been sisters. I don’t believe God makes mistakes, so I always thank Her/Him for giving her to me outside of the traditional bond of family. Maybe if we had been sisters by blood we might not like each other. But I digress, she was turned inside out by the relationship she was having. I just loved her through it. She said she needed to get away for a few days and then I began crying and from deep inside my body and told her my secret and what I needed as well. Two broken souls, we decided to leave home for a week. My husband still didn’t know I wasn’t going to Boston to meet a online friend and my soulmate had nothing holding her down. I told my husband there had been a change in plans. I told him that my “B” was in a dark place and so I cancelled my air plane trip and I was taking my her to the Washington shore. He was all ready for me to be gone then anyway but I was just changing destinations.
We left. I kissed my children goodbye and my husband as well. We took off in a car that was as big as a tank. We took turns driving. I remember her hand on my shoulder each time I began to wake up. I literally woke up sobbing and unable to catch my breath. She was there. When she slept I prayed that the universe was knitting together her broken heart.
We drove all day and evening, and we were planning on sleeping on the beach in our tent…. but we drove passed this beautiful hotel with shabby chic cabins. We asked for prices and had a tour and we decided our hearts hurt so bad that our bodies would hurt on the sand and so we decided to stay at this wonderful place.We spent several days there. Combing all the beaches of Washington. It is a memory that will never leave me. However, my lesbian friend who backed out, decided to OUT me to my husband. I don’t believe anyone with integrity would do that to a friend, acquaintance, or even a possible love interest have the right to OUT anyone. But once she realized I had left for a few days with my friend, she realized I hadn’t told him yet. So what does she do? Yeah, she called my husband and told him. I know because when I was coming home, he acted strange on the phone and I told him when I got home I was going to take my son down to his father and as usual I would take our babies down to see their grandparents and he told me no. I knew then, he knew more than I thought.
When we came home, my soul sister took a long nap. I handed out gifts to both my daughters and one to my husband how acted surprised that I brought him something. He even said, “really?” surprised that I was thinking of him too. He never understood that I loved him. I would always love him. But once things settled down he asked me to go upstairs with him. When I closed the door, he said, “I know you are a lesbian… and don’t ask how I know. I won’t tell you.” I felt a weight lifting my burden but it also meant that there was no going back. I told him that I still loved him. He looked a bit confused and asked, “You do?”. I nodded my head. Then it was done. For the time being anyway.