first written of July 2006
He took his ring off a while ago. Once he realized that I am not the woman either of us thought I was. It didn’t really bother me that much until tonight. When I realized his sister noticed… When I watched the interaction between him and my kids (his step kids). I dont think he sees them as his anymore either. Why should he? He is angry and unhappy and the blame lies at my feet. My kids are angry and unhappy and the blame lies at my feet. The blame will forever lie at my feet.
Even if I said today that I would be happy to live with him as I have done for 8 years and ignore who I am for the sake of kids and marriage, its too late. I have to face the fact that I will be alone (I already am). And perhaps an even greater harm, I may have sentenced him to a life much the same. My children will grow up knowing that mom shook up their world and caused them confusion and sadness. She stole away everything familiar and normal because she realized at 44 that she was gay.
To say that I am unprepared for the world I must live in is an understatement of the greatest proportion. I have no marketable skills. I haven’t worked in 8 years. I have no degree in anything. I will have to work in minimum wages jobs and worry about having a roof over my head. I would be lying if I said I am not sad to give up my life of priviledge. I have loved being a stay at home mom. I have loved wanting for nothing. My beautiful house, car and the inherent expectation that everything will be the same as today, yesterday and tomorrow, forever. Even though, these things are only mine because of who I married I still think of them as mine. Or thought of them, I guess.
I hesitate to even get into my thoughts of utter despair and hopelessness. Everything I could say would come across as if I were writing a suicide note. Which I am not. But I damn well want to wallow and tell, at least a little corner of the world that I am in the worst place of my life. A place that is unbearable. A place with no door for escape. And I put myself there. I can never be who I was a year ago. That woman is indeed dead, if in fact she ever really existed in the first place. I am ashamed and embarrassed and I truly do loathe myself right now.The question I will forever ask of God is why I had to wait until I was 44 and forehead deep in life to realize this. Why not at 20 or 80? Either seems better than 44.