Throw Back Thursday

Snow Globe

first written of July 2006

Its as if my life is a snow globe. I took it and shook it up. I never equated all those little flakes inside to pieces of my life that had settled softly to the bottom. I just shook it. Once those flakes were in motion though I realized, they were pieces of me, they were people in my life, promises I made, dreams I helped build. I just sit horrified now realizing that all those pieces will have to find their way back down to the bottom and will never again lie in perfect alignment. I chose to shake it. I can’t unshake it.

He took his ring off a while ago. Once he realized that I am not the woman either of us thought I was. It didn’t really bother me that much until tonight. When I realized his sister noticed… When I watched the interaction between him and my kids (his step kids). I dont think he sees them as his anymore either. Why should he? He is angry and unhappy and the blame lies at my feet. My kids are angry and unhappy and the blame lies at my feet. The blame will forever lie at my feet.

Even if I said today that I would be happy to live with him as I have done for 8 years and ignore who I am for the sake of kids and marriage, its too late. I have to face the fact that I will be alone (I already am). And perhaps an even greater harm, I may have sentenced him to a life much the same. My children will grow up knowing that mom shook up their world and caused them confusion and sadness. She stole away everything familiar and normal because she realized at 44 that she was gay.

To say that I am unprepared for the world I must live in is an understatement of the greatest proportion. I have no marketable skills. I haven’t worked in 8 years. I have no degree in anything. I will have to work in minimum wages jobs and worry about having a roof over my head. I would be lying if I said I am not sad to give up my life of priviledge. I have loved being a stay at home mom. I have loved wanting for nothing. My beautiful house, car and the inherent expectation that everything will be the same as today, yesterday and tomorrow, forever. Even though, these things are only mine because of who I married I still think of them as mine. Or thought of them, I guess.

I hesitate to even get into my thoughts of utter despair and hopelessness. Everything I could say would come across as if I were writing a suicide note. Which I am not. But I damn well want to wallow and tell, at least a little corner of the world that I am in the worst place of my life. A place that is unbearable. A place with no door for escape. And I put myself there. I can never be who I was a year ago. That woman is indeed dead, if in fact she ever really existed in the first place. I am ashamed and embarrassed and I truly do loathe myself right now.The question I will forever ask of God is why I had to wait until I was 44 and forehead deep in life to realize this. Why not at 20 or 80? Either seems better than 44.

Wow, almost ten years ago…   I still own the fall out from coming out.   But most of the pieces have finally fallen into their new place and I pray are thriving were they fell.   I still feel as if I need to keep apologizing for choosing to come out in the middle of their childhood.   I have been dragged through the courts and went from a full time mother to a mom that was given 8 days a month to be with my kids.   I guess they don’t like lesbians anymore than my ex-husband and his wife.   My #3 daughter had a melt down in the car one morning and between the sobbing, she managed to tell some horrifying things that were happening to her.   I turned into mother bear.  A few months later I had most of the custody of #3 and the father that fought so hard for her, basically turned his back on her.   She says she hasn’t heard from him for 2 years.  That makes me sad for them both.  I have two older kids that are not kids anymore.  #1 Is out and around somewhere;  #2 is likewise somewhere.  I wish she would check in with me.  But being 25 and almost 23,  they are adults and I miss them and love them very much.   #4 leaves my heart bleeding, but her story is left for another time.
  I am plugging away at CWI and moving forward toward getting into the Social Work program.  I have an internship on a crisis hotline which I find very fulfilling.  I am watching my #3 growing everyday and watching her move through life with grace and wisdom and the ability to put hurt and disappointment away and rarely does she even acknowledge that life is sometimes difficult.  I admire her for that very much.  #3 is another story to be told one day.   ~nina~

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